You’re probably going to read this and think, “Wow, what a jerk. My facebook friends love seeing 19 pictures of my kid doing kid things each day. And they totally want to join me in creating a tiny digital farm, or at least help me out by giving me some damn beans!”

You might be right with the first four words of that statement, but I assure the rest is ludicrous.

Why don’t they tell you need to tone it down? They are your friends, aren’t they?

The truth is, no. Not 95% of them. The ones who are are too nice to tell you that they don’t want to play Accountantville with you, they don’t care that you’ve checked in at Wendy’s for the 4th time this week (seriously? it’s only Wednesday) and that they actually blocked your updates months ago.

Luckily, I’m not as nice as your friends. So please stop…

6. Fishing For Compliments

ashley sad 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Feel bad for me.
Obligatory Photo Credit: Me

Allow me to clarify, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t tell people you flunked out of cooking because you burned your foot in the fryer…. we all need a good laugh.

Here are some examples of what I mean…

What you say…
“I feel so ugly.”
The response you are trying to elicit…
“No, you’re beautiful” or “Ah girl, you so fine”

What you say…
“I’m so old”
The response you are trying to elicit…
“You are young at heart” or something equally stupid

What you say…
“I flunked out of cooking school today. :-() Burned my foot so bad.”
The response you are trying to elicit…
“Um… so I’m gonna pass on coming over for dinner tonight.”

Oh wait, that last one is fine. Perhaps you feel ugly because, well, you’re ugly. Maybe you feel so old because you’re getting kind of old… or maybe it was the bottle of gin you drank last night. Either way, stop it. It’s sad, and not in the normal way. In the other one. And masking the pitty party in some sappy lyrics is not a proper alternative.  “I am barely breathing, and I can’t find the air.” Don’t do that. And don’t ever do it with Duncan Sheik.

~ How you can help: When someone puts themselves down just to get compliments, agree with them.

5. “Checking In” Everywhere

subway 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Thanks. Got it.
Obligatory Photo Credit: Me

To be perfectly honest, I just don’t understand the appeal of this at all. Why tell everyone (most of which are random acquaintances that you never speak to) where you are at all times? Is it because you hope that they will take your lead, and eat delicious Subway sandwiches? Or are you just trying to give everyone the best opportunity to rob you.

If I were one of your facebook friends, and had an affinity for theft… this would be my thinking… “Libby mentioned that she just picked up a new iPad when she checked in at the Apple Store yesterday. Looks like she just checked in at a gas station no where near her house. Let’s go get that iPad.”

Maybe you’re thinking, “Hey John… how would they have my address to come and steal my precious iPad? Answer me that jackass.” Well Libby, chances are that you have checked in there too.  “Libby’s Cribby”… see you soon.

~ How you can help: Begin showing up any where this person is, and discuss politics at each location.

4. Over Baby’ing The Place Up

baby1 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Even he thinks you’re over-doing it.
Obligatory Photo Credit: stock.xchng

WARNING: Everything I’m about to say is going to sound really mean if you are one of the people who do this. But you need to know…

You are posting WAY too many pictures of your kids on facebook. Like, WAY too many. At this point, you should just change the name on the profile all together. A few is ok, but a flip book-style gallery of your child propped up on the couch in overkill.

Babies make facebook boring. I’m sorry, but it’s true for everyone who isn’t the parent/grandparent/immediate family.

ou know what you’re baby looks like? (as your hand becomes raised in anger) He/she looks like everyone’s baby to the rest of us. It’s like anything else… I love a picture of cute baby doing a cute baby thing. But now that the entire news feed is babies, they all just look the same.

I’m not saying no babies. Just less babies.

~ How you can help: Offset the babies with pictures of the elderly? Stop procreating? I don’t know.

3. Saying Hello & Goodbye

bear 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Hey guys.
Obligatory Photo Credit: stock.xchng

I want you to keep something in mind, you don’t get paid per facebook post. In fact, you don’t get paid at all. hhhmmha!

I could have lumped tons of senseless types of posts in here, but without meaningless posts there would be no facebook. So I am just going to key in on the greeters. Just like the greeters at Walmart, the job you are doing is essentially pointless and people just pass you by without noticing you were ever there.

~ How you can help: Small talk them to death in the comments

2. Bathroom Mirror Photos

19872 107068705975201 4193772 n 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Lookin’ good
Obligatory Photo Credit: facebook

So you’re at BK. You get your whopper on and you’re feeling great. You head into the bathroom to wash the grease off of your hands and… damn… you’re looking’ good partner. The rest of the world needs to see this, and NOW!

The above photo carries most of what is necessary in a good bathroom mirror shot… with a bonus baby-changing station on the left! Had to cover up the rest of the photo, but I can assure you this photo is complete with duck-face and blue-tooth earpiece.

These photos rarely make you look good, are always contrived and never a good idea. Seriously though, that is a killer baby-changing station.

~ How you can help: Comment on what is around the photographer, never the subject of the photo.

1. I Don’t Want To Play/Help You Play Your Game

299446 361094623981897 1611351421 n 6 Things You Need To Stop Doing On Facebook

Get off my lawn
Obligatory Photo Credit: Facebook

Come on, I know you’re with me on this one. You have to be. As quickly as I hide all requests for one game another pops up, and another, and another. I don’t wish to pick crops in Farmville, cook in Chefville, go shopping in Cityville, elude the police in Mafia Wars or renew my drivers licence in DMVville (patent pending).

Seriously, I don’t want to help you plant your beans. In fact, I’m taking your beans. They’re my beans now.

~ How you can help: Steal their beans. They are nothing without their beans.


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